Dear Lynn,
I have no problem loving my girlfriend, my mother, my dog, or my favorite TV show, 30 Rock. So why the hell does loving myself feel so painful and frightening?
Scott
“Love thy neighbor as thyself.”
Though the remarkable statement from the religious philosopher Jesus of Nazareth is as beautiful and clear as anyone could hope, somehow its focus has been lost, and the opposite has been taught to us over the centuries. We have been programmed to believe, by our churches, parents, and social thinkers, that it is far better to serve and love others then it is to love and accept ourselves. We have been made afraid of loving ourselves-that kind of love is selfish, narcissistic, indulgent, and ugly. This couldn’t be further from the truth. A person who loves himself respects himself, and a person who love and respects himself respects others, too.
Growing up both Catholic and in an alcoholic home, I truly believed I wasn’t worthy of love, and that I had no right to give such love to myself. So for many years I condemned and hated myself. My priests called me a dirty sinner and told me I was doomed to hell. My father was more concerned with his bottle of booze than with his own daughter. So as I grew, these poisons did too. I hated being with myself. I avoided myself at all costs, fleeing into any kind of escapist fantasy I could discover: drugs, alcohol, sex, mindlessness-anything to get away from me.
Scott, I believe you speak for so many of us who feel frightened of turning that heart light of ours inward. You are afraid to penetrate your deeper layers, your darkness, the ugliness that you think you are. You want to avoid yourself at all costs, hence loving a girlfriend, a mom, a dog, 30 Rock - using anything or anyone as an escape from yourself. Anyone’s company will do, as long as you’re not left in your own company.
Am I right?
I am not judging you here dude, because believe me, I know all too well about the pain and fright you speak of. But here’s the deal - after many many dark nights I finally came to understand that love had to start with me, not my neighbor, boyfriend, or America’s Next Top Model. I began to love myself totally, not just the “good” parts, but all parts. Once I stopped the self-condemnation, and opened myself to the possibility of self-worth, my world transformed. And yours will too.
Just give it a try and watch. Once you are filled up with your own acceptance and love, that love will overflow, and spread. It will go on spreading to everyone and everything that surrounds you; your girlfriend, your family, the trees, the birds…it will have no other choice but to move outward and upward.
So Scott, don’t beat yourself up anymore than you already have. Like me, you just got the Jesus line backward: it is time to start loving yourself. The neighbors (and Alec Baldwin) will just have to wait a minute.
Happy Lovin’,
Lynn
Tags: acceptance, Addiction, advice, help, Recovery, self-love, substance abuse