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Archive for the ‘Rolling Away’ Category

Love Thy Neighbor

Thursday, March 25th, 2010

Dear Lynn,

I have no problem loving my girlfriend, my mother, my dog, or my favorite TV show, 30 Rock. So why the hell does loving myself feel so painful and frightening?

Scott


“Love thy neighbor as thyself.”

Though the remarkable statement from the religious philosopher Jesus of Nazareth is as beautiful and clear as anyone could hope, somehow its focus has been lost, and the opposite has been taught to us over the centuries. We have been programmed to believe, by our churches, parents, and social thinkers, that it is far better to serve and love others then it is to love and accept ourselves. We have been made afraid of loving ourselves-that kind of love is selfish, narcissistic, indulgent, and ugly. This couldn’t be further from the truth. A person who loves himself respects himself, and a person who love and respects himself respects others, too.

Growing up both Catholic and in an alcoholic home, I truly believed I wasn’t worthy of love, and that I had no right to give such love to myself. So for many years I condemned and hated myself. My priests called me a dirty sinner and told me I was doomed to hell. My father was more concerned with his bottle of booze than with his own daughter. So as I grew, these poisons did too. I hated being with myself. I avoided myself at all costs, fleeing into any kind of escapist fantasy I could discover: drugs, alcohol, sex, mindlessness-anything to get away from me.

Scott, I believe you speak for so many of us who feel frightened of turning that heart light of ours inward. You are afraid to penetrate your deeper layers, your darkness, the ugliness that you think you are. You want to avoid yourself at all costs, hence loving a girlfriend, a mom, a dog, 30 Rock - using anything or anyone as an escape from yourself. Anyone’s company will do, as long as you’re not left in your own company.

Am I right?

I am not judging you here dude, because believe me, I know all too well about the pain and fright you speak of. But here’s the deal - after many many dark nights I finally came to understand that love had to start with me, not my neighbor, boyfriend, or America’s Next Top Model. I began to love myself totally, not just the “good” parts, but all parts. Once I stopped the self-condemnation, and opened myself to the possibility of self-worth, my world transformed. And yours will too.

Just give it a try and watch. Once you are filled up with your own acceptance and love, that love will overflow, and spread. It will go on spreading to everyone and everything that surrounds you; your girlfriend, your family, the trees, the birds…it will have no other choice but to move outward and upward.

So Scott, don’t beat yourself up anymore than you already have. Like me, you just got the Jesus line backward: it is time to start loving yourself. The neighbors (and Alec Baldwin) will just have to wait a minute.

Happy Lovin’,

Lynn

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Posted in Addiction, I Love Addiction, Recovery, Rolling Away, advice, alcohol, columnist, drugs, fear, self-love, substance abuse | No Comments »

Les Miserables

Saturday, March 20th, 2010

Dear Lynn,

Why is it so hard to let go of the things that create misery in our lives?

I know that my choice to abuse alcohol makes me miserable. I know that being engaged to a woman I am no longer in love with brings me misery. So why do I still cling so tightly to them both?

Tom

When I first started out on my journey of recovery from pills and potions over eight years ago, all I talked about with people was the horrible pain I was going through, this wretched disease of mine, the darkness that was my life. Hell, you could tune into any TV talk show and find me sitting next to Oprah, Montel, or Dr. Keith showing off pictures of my poor, little, damaged brain. Years into my sobriety I was either writing about the pain and agony of addiction or I was standing up in front of an audience and talking about it with anybody who would listen.

Through all of this I continued to tell myself that I wanted to heal these wounds. I told myself I was ready for health and recovery. Yet still I went on clinging to my “diseases,” pains, and complaints.

Why oh why?

It has taken my many years to realize this but I was actually enjoying chewing on my pain, every time I told my story, I was reminding myself what a poor little martyr I was. Look at all I have been through. Even though on the surface I was asking, begging, praying to get rid of my illnesses, sadness, pain, and frustration, deep down I was tearing open the wounds over and over again, preventing them from ever healing.

Why oh why?

Well Tom, are you ready for this one? The reason I continued to cling to my disease for so many years, the reason you still continue to cling to your miserable existence is this: if all of your wounds are healed, if all of your misery dissolves, who will be left? Where will you be? How’s that one for a mind fuck? A small simple step but a quantum leap, right? If all of our illnesses and complaints disappear, what will we go on talking about, what will we do with our lives? We have become so identified with our misery that we believe it is who and what we are.

The only reason my pain and agony continued to exist was because I continued to feed them, to support them, to give them energy. All negative emotions and miseries we experience need our energy to thrive and survive. Because after all who would I be if I wasn’t telling my sad sob story. I was the crazy girl with holes in my brain, I was the author of My Agony with Ecstasy. There was so much invested in my pain and sadness, hell my whole damn empire was built on it.

But not anymore.

Today you can still find me speaking inside jails, colleges, and high schools but I am singing a different tune. I am no longer focused on the misery of life but the beauty of life. I no longer slice my wounds open and tell people how awful addiction is, I now talk about how wonderful sobriety is. Yes, I have less and less speaking engagements and television shows booked, because most places want that sad and damaged girl to come in and scare the shit out of people. Yes, it has been much harder to get another book deal with a story of hope, healing, and recovery - a book about LOVING your addictions rather than fighting and hating them.

But oh well… I aint never turning back.

So Tom, ask yourself are you really interested in dropping your misery and solving your problems? Or do you just want to talk about it? Go inward and inquire. And once you are ready to stop feeding your miseries, they will disappear. It is up to you.

Until then enjoy your booze and your broad.

Lynn

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Posted in Addiction, I Love Addiction, Recovery, Rolling Away, advice, alcohol, columnist, drugs, fear, misery, substance abuse | No Comments »

Tomorrowland

Saturday, March 7th, 2009

Dear Lynn,

I have a beautiful wife, three amazing kids, two incredible homes; I am able to travel and vacation all over the world. I feel I have fulfilled most all of my dreams and goals in life yet I often feel depressed and gloomy. Some days I find it hard to get out of bed in the morning and I feel unenthused about my future. What is the cause of this depression? What can I do about this?

Jack


Dear Jack,

I went to Disney World with my mother this past weekend. As we strolled around Cinderella’s mammoth mansion, we stumbled into a faraway place called Tomorrowland. Even though I had my heart set on hopping on a rocket ship and soaring through orbit on Space Mountain or grabbing my laser gun and blasting away the evil Emperor Zurg on Buzz Lightyear’s Space Ranger Spin, the wait time was well over an hour and a half for each ride. Houston, we have a problem . . .

“Come on, let’s just go on this one,” said my mother.

The ride: “The Carousel of Progress.” The wait time: Zero minutes.

I should have taken that as foreshadowing.

We walked into the empty theater and got seated comfortably in our chairs. After a few minutes the lights dimmed and the seats began to move and revolve around the stage in front of us. The story is told via an audio-animatronic family as seen at the turn of the 20th Century, the 1920s, the 1940s, and present day. I know people find these life-like talking robots amazing, I just find them incredibly creepy. Anyway, the father narrates and interacts with the latest technology of that era – gas lamps, washing machine, gramophone, radio, sewing machine, dishwasher, television, etc. At the end of each era the family breaks out into song:

“There’s a great big beautiful tomorrow . . . and tomorrow is just a day away. Man follows his dream with mind and heart and when it becomes a reality it’s a dream come true for you and me. Oh there’s a great big beautiful tomorrow, tomorrow is just a dream away.”

Jack, you might be wondering where I am going with all of this. Just stay with me.

After a little look-see at Wikipedia, I discovered that this attraction was Walt Disney’s favorite and designed by Mr. Disney himself. It also holds the record for the longest running stage show in America. I’m sure I am going to have some unbreakable evil Mickey Mouse curse placed on me or like the cast of Lost be banished to Tom Sawyer’s island for the rest of my God-given life for even uttering these words, but here it goes.

Jack, I believe Walt Disney is the cause of your depression. That’s right, WALT DISNEY CAUSES DEPRESSION. OK, maybe I am being a little too hard on Walt here, it isn’t entirely his fault but he and his little Tomorrowland haven’t really helped matters.

Man has never lived right here and now in the present moment. Our programming has led us to believe that there is a paradise somewhere out there, far way in the future. We can be miserable right now and hold on to the hope that our dreams will all be fulfilled tomorrow. Depression is a contemporary phenomenon, especially here in the West because we “have” so much. You speak for so many out there who are struggling Jack, so many who have everything they have ever longed for. You have reached all of your goals and dreams and now you have lost hope. There is no future, no tomorrow. You asked what the cause of your depression is. The attainment of your goals and dreams is the cause of your depression. One amazing thing about poverty is that it keeps hope alive. It brings enthusiasm and excitement about the betterment of tomorrow.

Depression has reached epidemic proportions in our country because so many have reached a point where they have everything – the homes, the wives, the kids, the cars, the bank accounts – yet inside their being is hallow and dark. Our external wealth has shined a bright light on our inner poverty. And I believe that is where you are at right now, Jack. You are in search of your inner richness; a richness that comes from within and can never be taken away. The beautiful thing about this, Jack, is that the solution to your problem is very simple. Start living in the present moment. Find meaning where you are right now. Don’t push aside any more of your precious life running after cars, homes, dollars, etc. I am not saying renounce your wealth, I am saying put your focus on love, on celebration. Take a walk on the beach with your wife or go on a hike in the woods and see the beauty that surrounds you. Listen to the birds, smell the crisp morning air, soak up a sunset. Look at your children, when is the last time you really looked at them?

So Jack, this is how you will become a truly wealthy human being – by discovering that richness does not lie in the things around you, it lies within you.

Well I have to go now. I am starting a petition to urge Walt to change the name of his favorite attraction from “The Carousel of Progress” to “The Carousel of Depression.”

Has a ring to it don’t ya think?

Lynn

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